Kombucha
Kombucha is a Nutrient Sludge used by Hipsters everywhere to cure everything from Acne to Spinal Meningitis. Its use is almost religious, like how the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding would soak everything that needed fixing and treatment in vats of windex. What the shit is this fuck Kombucha is a tea-based "beverage" of Russian origin that is prepared with a bacteria culture to provide its kick. Like many things of questionable Russian origin, this was possibly discovered by a bunch of scientists near the Chernobyl plant after the radiation fried their brains. The experiment was conducted as they were fighting off the radiation with Vodka bought by S.T.A.L.K.E.R.s in the area. The beverage was consumed by the scientists and discovering that it tasted like a combination of piss, beer, vinegar and strawberries they decided to brew it in mass quantities in secrecy to trade off as a valuable substance. This mysterious air about it caused urban legends to spread about between S.T.A.L.K.E.R. groups and mercenaries, claiming it could prevent bleed-outs, stop radiation sickness in its tracks, increase their finding of anomalies and bring peace to earth. However this was a load of Jenkem hype, as it more likely caused internal hemorrhaging, weakened the immune system allowing radiation to spread faster through the body, would cause them to hallucinate and delirium. It's believed that some sick fuck went to the Wishgranter at the Chernobyl NPP and wished that this garbage would spread to the rest of the world. And so it did. How can this exist dear God The secret of Kombucha is how you're actually nurturing a colony of bacteria and yeast. This ain't your Sea Monkey (not related to Space Monkey Mafia Studios in any way, shape or form) farm from elementary school nigga. This is some real bacteria that actually does stuff other than float around and make you fantasize about the Sea Monkey queen. The process of making Kombucha has you brew some tea and get some starter bacteria kit, and let it sit for a week or two. The fermentation process creates a thin pancake layer of bacteria on top of the tea that you take out, place into another container of freshly brewed tea and then pour a small amount of the liquid from the initial batch on top of it. Let that sit for a week or two and feed it sugar here and there, and soon you'll have two massive semen pancakes on top of your current set of tea. Once you believe the fluid to be just ripe enough, you separate the two pancake organisms and prepare them to be used to make more of this shit, and consume the tea from every batch after the first one. Like a pyramid scheme from hell, you continue to bend your will and kitchen space to this shit until you no longer have room, and then you keep making more anyways. More Kombucha for the Kombucha god! Why do we keep making it? In all honesty, now is the time to come forward and present my months of study. I believe that Kombucha is not just a hipster health fad destined for the aisle where vegan food and POM juice is, but actually a method of production of the Nutrient Bath for the Yeerk overlords. We're currently under a recurring invasion after the initial wave crashed and burned in popularity as even Scholastic stopped wanting to publish the Animorphs novels. Believing that they could slip under the radar and finally take over our pathetic planet, they use Kombucha as a method of spreading their young and allowing themselves to recharge after a day of spreading their awful seed around. It has claimed several of my Facebook friends, whom thankfully do not know of the existence of this place lest they come here and know that I am onto them. I fear for my life and that I may soon become a slave to their cause. Please, if you are reading this article know that there's an SUV out front and they're going to get me jesus hel